D&D 5E addendum
D&D 5E is a great game, but there are some missing rules, and messy relics of an older age. This is a “quick fix” to the rules, an amendment of systems.
Chasing rules
When in combat, enemies are liable to escape with their lives when times seem bleak, for these situations there are new Chasing rules.
Sprint.
DM: your sword cleaves through the last of his guards, and the goblin king leaps from his throne, fleeing to a side door.
Player: I want to get to the door, stop him before he escapes again.
DM: okay, roll to sprint.
When an enemy is trying to get to an objective, whether that be escaping through a door, or reaching a rope to cut it, you can sprint to get there before them. When sprinting, you and the person your trying to out-speed will each roll a D20, the one with a higher number wins.
Chases.
DM: A poison dart flies into your informant’s neck, just before he can name the ring’s location
Player: do I see who shot it?
DM: yes, an assassin on a nearby rooftop jumps just out of view as you find them among the rooftops
Player:I want to run after him.
DM: okay, roll to chase, you’re ten lengths behind him.
When players are trying to catch up to an opponent, or escape from a pursuer, they enter a chase. When in a chase, a chaser will try to get closer to an enemy, to do this the chaser and the chased will each roll a D20 plus dex, and the person with the higher number will gain a length(an arbitrary unit of measure, that is set as the DM wishes, usually as 5 feet). The chaser can also attack the chased with ranged weapons at disadvantage. When the characters involved with the chase are of differing speeds, the chaser will get advantage if they are of higher speed than their targets they get advantage, if they are of lower speed they roll at disadvantage. The chased can create intrusions for the chaser, they will lose one length, but the obstruction will need the chaser to make a dex saving throw, and on a success they get around it, on a failure they lose 1D6 lengths on the chased. When the chaser and chased get 20 lengths apart the chase ends.
Pursuit
DM: you finally pin down the shaman
Player: “well well well, look where we are now. You’re gonna tell me where your king is, or you’re gonna die”
DM: “you fool my king is already gone, taking his armies to raid your puny cities”
Player: drat, do you think we could catch up if we leave now?
DM: maybe, roll for Pursuit
when a player is chasing and tracking an opponent far away from them, they will roll for pursuit and add their wisdom bonus, on a success they gain 1D6 lengths(about 10 kilometers, or 5 miles) on their target, and on a failure the target is lost for some time, and they lose 1D4 lengths on their target. Each time they roll for pursuit they will consume one days rations, though not too much happens during a pursuit, it can be spiced up with random encounters if a DM wishes, and if the group is short on time the two opposing parties can roll off, and the pursuit will end with the higher number winning. A pursuit ends if the lengths between the characters reaches 0 or 20. when it reaches 0, the players are so close that the objective is within sight when standing on elevated ground. When length reaches 20, the track goes cold, and the opponent becomes impossible to track.
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Initiative Alternatives
many people feel the initiative system in D&D is inadequate, so below are some alternatives to the current system that will either add realism, speed up combat, or otherwise improve the game’s flow.
No Initiative Type 1:
DM: the goblins spring awake at the fighter’s clumsy footsteps, and attack. Eric, your wizard is closest to the goblins, and is the first attacked, what do you do?
Eric: I want to cast shield
DM: roll to cast it in time
Eric: I got a 14
DM: the goblin’s blade is deflected away just in time by a magical aura of protection.
Once the players have entered combat, simply place them in the center of the action as the DM sees fit, with each person getting to go at least once. When there is a conflict of interests, or uncertain outcome due to timing, have the players and the DM each roll a 20 sided die for the PC and NPC respectively, with the higher number winning. In the play example above, the wizard played by Eric gets a higher number than the attacking goblin, and is able to use his magic before the goblin gets to him. When a party member is exchanging blows with an opponent, them and their opponent will roll to hit simultaneously, and take the according damage. Projectiles and non combat actions (lock picking, and the like) will happen, but only when a character isn’t actively attacking or being attacked. DM controlled monsters and enemies will act in reaction to the player’s actions as it is nessecary.
No Initiative Type 2:
DM: the Owlbear bears it’s claws at you and jumps towards the nearest member of the party, you have 30 seconds to decide what to do.
Player 1: that would be me right?
DM: yes
Player 1: okay, I want to bear my shield in defense
Player 2: I’ll cast a magic missile to distract it from him
Player 3: I’m gonna try and sneak around to it’s back
Player 4:I want to charge it and smack it with my hammer
Player 2: no, don’t do that! I’m already distracting it with my magic missile
Player 4: oh right, instead-
DM: too late, you’re out of time. Your attacks are gonna be what you already stated. Roll for your actions, in 3, 2, 1
For each standard round of combat the DM will set a timer of a certain length. Once this timer is set, the players have until it runs out to decide what they do. Once that happens, the players and the DM all roll at once to hit and for damage. This repeats each round until the combat ends.
Revised Initiative
DM: the artifact falls from your hand, and the undead around you are alerted to it’s presence, attacking the party, roll for initiative.
Rouge: I got a 3
Sorcerer: I got a 6
Fighter: I got an 8
When entering combat, the players will roll for initiative, with rouges and Rangers using a D4, wizards druids sorcerers artificers bards and warlocks all use a D8, Paladins and Clerics using a D10, fighers and barbarians using a D12. For enemies, any infantry or minion will use a D12, any minibosses or more powerful enemies using a D10, and Boss monsters use a D6. Each round, the participants in combat go in order from highest roll to lowest. Player characters get a plus 1 to initiative each level they gain.
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Spellcasting
In dungeons and dragons, any time someone wants to do something difficult, they must roll a 20 sided die, magic users should be no different in this regard. If you are going to implement dice casting, you should remove spell slots as a mechanic, the danger and inconsistent success will limit their casting enough.
Mages:
DM: the king of blades begins summoning Cthulhu the old one, what do you do?
Wizard: I want to cast a fireball on him, he’s in range right?
DM: yeah, just about. Roll plus intelligence to cast the spell
Wizard: aw crap, I got a one.
DM: the power of the planes gathers at your fingers, and you realise but a second to late, that the incantation was misspoken. A blast flame explodes in front of your face, enveloping you in a massive fireball. Make a dexterity saving throw.
When a Wizard, sorcerer, or druid uses magic, have them roll to cast. Difficulty proportional to the spell’s level, listed on the below chart. On a failure the spell sputters out to nothing, on a critical failure the spell goes horribly wrong. On a success the spell is cast, on a natural 20, the player gains experience.
Spell Level: Difficulty:
1-4 10
5-7 15
8-9 20
Religious Casters:
DM: the blade of the goblin leader cleaves into the fighter, take 14 damage
Cleric: I want to cast healing word on him
DM:okay, roll
Cleric: I got an 18
DM:with a prayer to your god and a touch of your hand, the fighter is healed of his malady.
When Clerics, Paladins, Or warlocks cast a spell, they must roll a D20 to see if their patron or deity grants them the power they seek. The success of their prayer is based on the spell’s level using the above chart. On a success, the spell goes off flawlessly, on a failure, the prayer fails. On a critical failure the deity or patron will revoke the caster’s ability to call upon them for 1hit die hours.
Cantrips:
DM: the cavern below is dark and nearly silent. Not even dark-vision allows you sight.
Wizard: I cast light
DM: okay, roll
Wizard:I got a 2
DM: light floods the room, showing an enormous Owlbear within!
When casting a cantrip, or “level 0 spell” you roll a 20 sided die, and succeed on anything other than a one. On a one, it reacts according to the caster’s class for a critical failure.
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Spell learning
When a character tries to learn a new spell, they can roll plus their spellcasting modifier to do it successfully, and it all turns out differently based on the character’s class. When learning a spell the difficulty to learn is based on the spell’s casting difficulty.
Spell Learning for wizards:
DM: On the enchanted scroll is the fireball spell
Player: Can I learn it?
DM: sure, roll plus intelligence to memorize.
Player: I got a 14
DM: congratulations, you can now cast fireball.
When a Wizard learns a spell, have them roll plus their intelligence, when they succeed they learn the spell, and can use it. When they fail they do not learn the spell. When a player rolls a critical failure while rolling a spell, it acts as if they failed to cast the spell, and they cannot learn the spell for 1D10 long rests. When a player levels up, they can visit a source of magical learning and learn spells appropriate to their level discussed with their DM, they’ll have to roll to learn the spell as normal.
Spell Learning for Druids:
DM: you stand in the whispering forest, all alone.
Druid: I want to try and learn some new spells, maybe polymorph, and speak with plants?
DM:okay, roll plus wisdom to learn from the world
Druid: I got a 15
DM: you learn a couple new spells, but not the ones you wanted, mark down polymorph and dispel magic.
Druids can learn spells by communing with nature to learn it’s secrets. When trying to learn spells they’ll roll plus wisdom, on a success they’ll learn the spells they wanted, on a failure they’ll learn some spells other than those they wanted. On a critical failure, they’ll learn no new spells for 1D10 long rests.
Spell Learning for Sorcerers:
Sorcerer: I want to learn some new spells, maybe… detect thoughts and counterspell?
DM: sounds good, roll plus charisma
Sorcerer: I got a 12.
DM: you look deep inside your soul, and learn counterspell. But when you look further to your ancestry, your mind becomes flooded with the thoughts of others, you can barely feel yourself think.
Sorcerer: Oh no, that’s not good.
When sorcerers try to learn a spell, they roll a die to do so. On a success, they learn the spells they wanted, on a failure they learn some of the spells, but not all of them, and one of them could go wrong. On a critical failure something goes very wrong.
Spell Learning for Clerics:
DM: your enter the cathedral of Bahumut
Cleric: I’d like to ask the bishop to teach me some new prayers
DM: he agrees, what would you like to learn?
Cleric: I’m thinking Calm Emotions and Hold Person
DM: the bishop begins chanting scriptures in draconic, roll plus wisdom to learn the scriptures
Cleric: I got a 14
DM: the Language of the dragons fills your mind, and you feel enlightened by the scriptures. Mark down those spells on your spell sheet
When Clerics, warlocks, and Paladins learn a spell have them roll plus their spellcasting modifier. On a success they learn the scriptures, on a failure, they do not. On a critical failure, they are punished by their god, and must atone by going on a quest of the DM’s choosing.
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Arcane Lenses
Instead of spells being imbued on magical artifacts as in 5E, artifacts like a wand, ring or staff that have magical powers serve as Arcane Lenses, and will make certain types of magic easier to preform.
DM: among the lich’s belongings, is an ornate and ancient wand
Player: do I know what it does?
DM: roll arcana
Player: I got a 17
DM: it appears to be a powerful wand of Raise Dead
Player: cool, I take it.
DM: okay, it grants a plus two to all spell rolls, and a plus five to rolls of resurrection or undead creation
Arcane Lenses are magical artifacts that give bonuses or advantage to spell rolls. An Arcane Lens can add General or Specific bonuses, if it is general it provides bonuses to all types of spell, if ti is specific, it will give bonuses to only a certain set or category of spells. An Arcane Lens can theoretically be anything, but will usually be something held in the hands.
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Power Creep
In 5E the player characters are incredibly powerful compared to their level equivalents in earlier editions, and other D20 games. These below rule changes and additions will help make the game more dangerous, interesting, and significantly quicker than the published game
Health Cap:
DM: the dragon attacks your level 10 fighter, take 12 damage
Fighter: aw crap, I’m almost dead.
Instead of allowing characters to reach 100’s of Hit points, no player is able to gain more than 20 hit points. once they’ve reached an HP of 20, they will still gain hit dice, but not any health total.
Revised Multiattack:
DM:the goblins rush towards you three of them raising their sword to strike
Fighter: okay, I want to attack them, I have a multiattack skill, so I can hit all of them.
DM:okay, roll to hit, minus 3
Fighter: I got a 14
DM: roll damage
Fighter: that comes out to 8 slashing damage
DM: your sword slashes through the goblins one after another, gore flying into your face, limbs crushing to the ground with weighty thuds.
When a fighter has a multiattack action, instead of rolling each time for all of their targets, they roll once for damage and to hit, they succeed based on each monster’s AC, and damage is simply done to each target. So when attacking a dragon with multiattack, they get a minus one for each attack, and if he hits, he does one attacks damage on each target, so rolling an eight means that he deals eight damage per attack, coming out to a total of 16 damage on one target, or eight damage on two.
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Leveling up
In modern games, leveling up is often overly fast, and unnecessarily complex, this revised experience system should help with that.
DM: great session guys, now to get to experience, all of you get 1 experience point for completing a primary objective, I’m giving the fighter an extra experience point for roleplaying out a trial by combat, and you guys get to decide a “best player” award.
At the end of every session, the DM will give out experience to all the players, the player that he thought played the best that session, and the player the party votes as the best player for that session. Voting for best player will happen between the party, no one is allowed to vote for themselves, and the person with more votes than any other player gets the extra experience point.
Player: hey, I just reached 10 exp, what’s my milestone
DM: well, last time you had to steal a great treasure, this time it’s killing a master assassin.
Player: cool, sounds fun
DM: and no one else can help him
when a player reaches his experience threshold they have to preform a milestone, which is some difficult thing relating to their class. Milestones can be anything the DM chooses, but are usually related to the player character's class. The experience costs per level are listed below.
Level Cost
1-5 5
6-15 10
16-20 20
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Permanent Wounds
Combat in D&D only ever puts dangers in temporary danger, this changed rule should help amend that.
DM: the Owlbear attacks the fighter, and… rolls a natural 20! it’s razor sharp beak biting into your leg, and pulling it apart, with tendrils of muscle and fragmented shards of bone now visible in the freshly eviscerated leg. Take 12 damage, and subtract 3 from your permanent hit points. Your movement speed is halved until you can get some professional healing.
Fighter: oh no, I’m down to 0 HP, death save time.
When a monster in combat with the players rolls a critical success, it will do a double damage attack, as well as permanent damage. To determine where the damage occurs, roll on the below table. Permanent damage will come with a health decrease of 1D4, to Max HP, and a stat decrease according to where they were hit until they can get healing at a town.
Location Stat Decrease
leg ½ movement speed
arm -1 strength modifier
hand -1 dexterity modifier
ear -1 to perception
eye -1 to perception
skull -1 to wisdom for 1D6 days
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Stacked Advantage:
when a character has advantage, they roll two dice and take the highest result, when a character has two instances of advantage, instead of rolling a third die, instead use the below rules.
DM: the dark knight is pulled down to the earth by the druids vines, and collapses prone.
Fighter: I want to attack him with my sword.
DM: okay, you have double advantage, roll to hit
Fighter: I got a ten, and a seven.
DM:okay, you have a plus five from double advantage.
Fighter: then it comes out to 16.
when a player is preforming a task, and would have advantage in multiple ways, they will have stacked advantage. If they have two advantages, they’ll roll with advantage, and then add five to the higher result. If they have triple advantage, they add ten to the higher result. This pattern continues as high as you can get advantage.
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Group Skill Checks
Though tests of an individual’s abilities and skills are common, the abilities of a whole group almost never occur. This set of rules should help with that.
DM: The Golem slowly stands, and begins walking towards the city to destroy it.
Player: can we try to stop it?
DM: maybe, let’s do a group skill check, how do you want to stop it?
When there is a challenge that the players have to face as a group, whether that be travelling through wilderness, constructing defenses for a keep, or stopping the nigh invincible tarasque, the players can use a group skill check. When using a group skill check, each player chooses a skill they’re proficient in that they think will be useful to overcome the challenge and how the skill is used, if the DM thinks the skill would work to solve the problem they will have the player roll for that skill against the challenge rating of the obstacle. The players succeed if they get the target number of successes (decided by the DM), and fail if they get a total of three failures before they get the target number of successes.
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Weapon Destruction Saves
In the first edition of D&D, magical weapons could make a saving throw to avoid being destroyed. The below rules are to bring that mechanic back in some form
Player: I swing my broadsword at the goblin, and… oh no! I rolled a one!
DM:roll a D12
Player: 7
DM: your sword slips from your hand, and snaps against the stone wall.
When a player rolls a critical failure on an attack roll, or a spell roll with an Arcane Lens, the player with the item will roll a D12, if the player rolls anything other than a 12, the item will break, if the item is magical or gives a “to hit” bonus, the bonus is added to the roll on the D12.

Disclaimer: Translation was hell this time around. My cards are in Spanish, and i couldn’t find online the names in English of most assets. Please tell me the real names in English so i can change the tacky ad hoc spanish translations acting as placeholders.
Under Dark Waves. The first big box we get, and a great one at that. New mechanics, more content, more items and obviously, more investigators. The design ethos seems to have gone in the direction of better balance and new archetypes. No investigator here is as gamebreaking as the ones in the core box (well, maybe one), while no one is as terrible as the bottom 3, with most new additions going into the upper part of the tier. How do new investigators fit in the meta? How did they design old characters to fit into 3rd Ed? Is Silas Marsh good for once? The suspense is killing me, let’s find out.
1.- Father Mateo, the priest

>Roles: Mystic, support
>Stats: Atrocious. 4 will and 3 influence is a very bad start. The fact that no actions are tied to this stats in this game make them situational most of the time. You interact with 3rd ed mainly through Lore (3), Strength (2) and Observation (1) . The father has no way to use his high attributes through his kit unlike other characters in this expansion. Five health/Seven sanity is standard for mystics. Focus limit is 3, the only attribute you need is lore , you can focus observation and will, but really i don’t think he benefits much and he lacks action efficiency anyway.
>Skill: If you suffer at least one physical damage, earn a remnants token. You may use one remnants token during a test, once per round to re-roll all your dice or only one.
>Starting assets: 2$, one remnants token
Sign of the Cross: Instead of having an encounter, you can test Will-1. Then chose an investigator and, for each success, they may: a) Discard a condition, b) heal 1 horror, c) heal one damage.
CHOOSE ONE Holy Water: When facing a non-human monster, you can treat their attack modifier and easion modifier as +1. If you deal damage to them you exhaust them.
CHOOSE ONE Shun the dark: Spell, one sanity. Once per round, before a reckoning effect triggers, you may test Lore-1 to prevent it. You still need to resolve all the other reckoning effects that may have triggered.
>Opinion: Holy water, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh father forgive me, i wasn’t very impressed by your skillset. On the one hand his stats are terrible. On the other, his items are too. Giving up your encounter phase? Why? That’s how you earn items and clues in this game! I get it can save you in a pinch, and you can discard dark pacts which is very, very nice, but happens rarely, and this game is won more easily if you play faster and pick characters that are strong or make other strong, the Father isn’t that. The reckoing spell is only impactful a couple of times per scenario, for example in Tsathoggua, only when two clues are in one neighbourhood and you didn’t manage to get one in time. It isn’t super impactful to be honest. The Holy Water is the real character here. Not for the father mind you, but give it to your fighter and holy crap, they get so many dice in scenarios not revolving areound human enemies. Turning a -1/-2 modifyer into a +1?! Holy sh...water. Though at this point you’re picking an investigator just for a trade at the start of the game, not the greatest trade. His skills are... well, the first one useless, he is never in direct combat so suffering damage is very rare. Re-rolling is always good, and since he wards (badly mind you) he gets a lot of remnant tokens and is average to good in spells.
>Recommended loadout: Holy Water in scenarios with non-human monsters
>Provisional tier: C

2.- Ashcan Pete, the drifter

>Roles: Fighter, seeker, shopper, support
>Stats: One of the balanced “generalist” investigators: one dump stat (1 influence) and 3 in every other stat. Higher (7) health than sanity (5) which is okay for fighters. Focus limit 3 is excellent however, paired with some of his skills, focus strength, lore and observation in that order. Consider influence though if in a party.
>Skill: Gathering resources allows you to win an item from the shop with price 2$ or less.
>Starting assets: 1$
2,5.- Duke, the good boy: Shields for 2 health and 3 sanity. Provides +1 strength during attack rolls. Allows your trade actions to reach to all investigator and spaces in your neighbourhood.
CHOOSE ONE Pete’s Guitar: After you gather resources, as many investigators as your Influence score (Pete included), may focus or recover one sanity.
CHOOSE ONE Globetroter: You may chose to resolve an encounter in an adjacent space to the one you’re in. You roll one less die in any test that may happen during that encounter.
>Opinion: A great solo investigator thanks to his excellent stats. Depends a bit too much on the shop’s lineup, though he can stock up on trinkets pretty reliably (unlike Skids). Three focus is a very good with him since he can focus so easily with his guitar. He makes the gather resources very efficient since you can earn a dollar, heal/focus and get an item, sop ironically he isn’t short on cash very often. Duke makes the trade action not as bad since it will require less micro-management, but his combat capabilities are not very strong. I chose to go with the Guitar since his talent seemed counter productive: can you really not end up in the space you want? Is it worth the money save to gut your dice rolls? Anyway, i don’t think Pete is particularly broken, but he’s more than solid, his support skills are more efficient than average and he’s very good on his own.
>Recommended loadout: Pete’s Guitar, even playing solo.
>Provisional tier: Bottom A

3.- Patrice Hathaway, the violinist

>Roles: Seeker, Mystic, evader, support
>Stats: Things do not start well with 4 Will and not a way to test it in place of other stats. Three lore and observation enables her for her designated roles without too much room for error. Two influence and one strength are not a huge deal for her. Five health/Seven sanity is good for a mystic. Focus limit 3 is great though she only really need 2. Lore is your priority for focus, then observation and strength just in case .
>Skill: Whenever doom is placed in the scenario sheet, you may focus even if you exceed your focus limit.
>Starting assets: 3$
Patrice’s Violin: After you gather resources, choose a stat, all investigators in your neighbourhood (including you) focus that skill.
Soothing melody: You can perform the ward action even if you’re engaged with a monster. You can exhaust said monsters for each success instead of removing a doom token.
OPTIONAL Ominous Dreams: Shields for 2 health and sanity. Once per round, you may choose to re-roll a die in which you got a success to reveal a clue in your inventory or spawn one. If you choose to have this skill you need to include THE WATCHER in the monster deck. If the WATCHER is revealed, gain it as a state. While under its effects you MUST re-roll a die in which you had a success during every test, if you still succeed in the overall test (not the re-roll), you discard the WATCHER.
>Opinion: So far, Patrice is the best seeker in AH 3rd. She can easily succeed in a lot of tests with more than one success, that way, using her talent is free and you spawn/reveal clues with no cost whatsoever. She is the best character at speeding scenarios, she’s a decent warder and support too. Now, her stats are sub-par, so focus is vital. Her skill rewards you for playing badly, but on some scenarios doom is unavoidable so that’s nice, but it’s not a great skill. She starts with 3 assets, but the other 2 are mediocre or bad, but she can focus in area of effect while she earns cash.
>Recommended loadout: Don’t play her if you’re not willing to take the Watcher.
>Provisional tier: S

4.- Charlie Kane, the politician

>Roles: Shopper, seeker.
>Stats: Let’s adress the elephant in the room (no pun intended): 4 influence how bad is it? For Charlie’s kit, it’s actually good. Three observation is all you need for seeking. 2 at Lore, Strength and Will is not as bad since he has ways of overcoming them. 4 health / 8 sanity is great for him since he’s usually very far from the action and he suffers more horror than damage. It’s not his real HP because he uses a lot of meat shields. Focus limit is your number of allies which is 0-5 and i don’t really like this mechanic. Focus everything, but first influence.
>Skill: You can spend an action to buy a random ally for 2$ +1$ for each ally you already have. If your allies perish you suffer 1 direct horror.
>Starting assets: 2$
Authority figure: Once per round, if you are resolving a test in which you have to test a skill in which you have focused, you can test Influence instead (current modifyer still aplies).
CHOOSE ONE Bonnie Walsh: Shields for 2 health and 3 sanity. Once per round allows you to focus in a stat of your choice before testing a stat.
CHOOSE ONE Collect favors: At the start of your turn, discard all money in this card. Then test influence, for each success place 1$ on this card. You can spend (not trade) money earned like this like usual.
>Opinion: First of all i refuse to believe Charlie is a republican. Second, Charlie is my favorite investigator in the Arkham Files universe and my main in Eldritch. I don’t think he’s great in 3rd Edition however. The main reasons are consistency and time he takes to become strong. Allies are great to have in 3rd Ed, but hard to actually get, since the spaces awarding them are few and far between and can also warrant other resources. Charlie bypasses that being able to buy them at random, but he needs to take the money related talent to be able to actually buy them. So you have to start with 0 allies and not pick Bonnie although she’d be great for him. Once you spend 5 phases trying to get allies and neglecting other activities across the board, is Charlie as good as he should? Well, sometimes. You can get allies that are useless for him after drawing 5 expensiv cards, and he’s a mediocre investigator that lost a lot of time. You can also get the right cards and become a powerhouse that carries the game. Having “free money” every turn buys you mobility however, and testing influence for him is great, but you need to focus and that’s more time he’ll be losing. Sorry Charlie, let’s hope in the next FFG game they’ll do you justice.
>Recommended loadout: Collect favors
>Provisional tier: Top C to low B

5.- Zoey Samaras, the chef

>Roles: Fighter, Mystic, Survivor
>Stats: 4 Will is never the best trade without reliable ways to test it instead of other stats. We’ll put a pin on that. 1 observation hinders her potential to play solo. 3 Lore makes her good at warding but she’s meant for killing with her 3 strength which is not that much for a fighter tbh. 2 Influence is low enough to not be a bad stat allocation. She boosts 5 health and 7 sanity which is great paired with her skills, enabling her for spells and hand-to-hand. Focus limit 2 is not enugh for her, focus strength and lore, observation if solo .
>Skill: After killing a monster, remove one doom token from your space or heal one health damage. If it was an elite monter, become blessed on top.
>Starting assets: 3$
Chef’s knife: One handed. Grants you +2 strength for attack actions; if you re-roll any ammount of dice during this test, each one gets a +1 modifyer.
CHOOSE ONE Enchant weapon: Spell, one sanity cost. At the start of your turn (no action required) you may test Lore, if you pass the test, attach this spell to a weapon in your possession. Once per round, while attacking ewith that weapon, you may re-roll one die or all of them.
CHOOSE ONE Zoey’s Cross: Shields for 3 health. After engaging with a monster, you may inflict 1 damage to this item to test Will and inflict damage to that monster according to the test result.
>Opinion: Best fighter in this expansion hands down (also kind of the only one) that doubles down as a mystic, which are the two most important roles in the game. Really, the only thing that keeps her from being top tier solo, is her pitiful observation. The cross provides extra efficiency since it may save attack actions and provide burst damage but you can only use it thrice per scenario, and the dice manipulation enchant weapon provides with the +1 to dice from the Chef’s knife... is hard to pass on since you can even get better weapons to attach it to. Being able to remove one doom through attacks is great, since removing only one doom in this game is inefficient and feels bad, but you still need to do it. About the blessing... depending on the scenario you may never get it. In Azathoth or Echoes (good route) you may never find one, while in Ümordoth or Shots it’s guaranteed that one will spawn. I prefer ranking her according to her consistency and, surprise, she’s still great.
>Recommended loadout: Enchant Weapon
>Provisional tier: A

6.- Carson Sinclair, the butler

>Roles: Support, seeker
>Stats: There’s a trend in the Arkham games where Carson gets atrocious stats in every game... and this is not the exception to the rule. 3 Influence, Will and Observation is just, god, why? 2 Strength is not a big deal however 2 Lore absolutely is since he’ll have nothing to do across the map since he’s laughable at warding and useless at fighting and sure, he can research, but he’ll get the clues in the encounter phase, leaving his investigator’s phase lackluster and frustrating. Even health and sanity is not good for a support who will surely suffer more horror than damage. That Focus Limit 3 is necessary, but if there was a case for a character being above that from the get go, Carson should have been it. Focus Lore, Observation and Strength.
>Skill: Once per round, while another investigator is resolving a test, you can spend one focus to allow them to re-roll one die. Doing this heals you for 1 horror damage.
>Starting assets: 2$
Anticipation: After focusing through the focus action, you may focus one additional time for each clue in your neighbourhood.
CHOOSE ONE Ready for anything: Once per round, whenever an investigator in any space would suffer any ammount of horror OR damage, you may discard one focus to prevent that horror OR that damage.
CHOOSE ONE As you wish: Once per round, when another investigator would perform an action in any space, you may spend one focus to perform the same action (as long as you haven’t done that action in your turn).
>Opinion: Carson is discount Marie. Being worse than the best character in the game still makes you really damn good. The only bad thing Carson has going for him is his atrocious stats. You need to be always focused, more than any other character. As such, Pete, RE Minh and Patrice are great team partners for him. Extra actions are the most efficient resource in this game, and any characters that provides them is automatically high tier. The problem is he fails so many rolls you wouldn’t believe it. No dice manipulation and poor stats are yikes. He’s not allowed to re-roll through focus since he NEEDS those tokens to be useful. Pick him in place of Marie if you don’t want the scenario to become a joke.
>Recommended loadout: As you wish
>Provisional tier: Low A

7.- Stella Clark, the post-woman

>Roles: Mover, support
>Stats: Mostly what they should be. She’s not a fighter, so 2 Strength is not an issue. 2 Influence is also a good way to save stat points. 3 Lore, observation and will is kinda good for her role in the game, she can try to ward, she can research and will is... a thing that exists and sometimes is useful. Not often. 5 health/7 sanity is good for non-melee; focus limit 2 is bad for her since she wants to focus Will and Lore and that leaves little room for creativity with her build.
>Skill: You can start the game in any space you want, you can take other investigators with you. After moving 3 spaces or more in your turn, focus one skill for free.
>Starting assets: 3$
Delivery Truck: Every time you leave a space, any investigators in that space may move with you (doesn’t count as them using the moving action). You can spend an action to move up to 2 spaces, you can also preform the trade action before or after that movement.
CHOOSE ONE Snow nor Rain: Once per round, if you were to fail a test, you may spend a Will focus token to add one success to that test result.
CHOOSE ONE Called by the mists: Instead of drawing a mythos token, you can instead suffer one direct horror and place on doom in your space. That mythos token will remain in the reserve though.
>Opinion: Unparalleled mobility and trade efficiency, Stella is so darn useful to have. But she is not great at much else. She can’t fight, she’s sub-par at warding... but being able to pass tests at Will? That’s an amazing talent she and no other investigator has. She can also skip mythos, but suffers greatly for it and that gate burst will remain in the reserve, and you have to it before you even know what you will draw. It’s a tough choice and in large parties 4+ is not worth it. All in all, her efficiency while moving and focusing is too good to pass while her solo potential is not up to snuff. Pick her in 3+ investigator games.
>Recommended loadout: Snow nor Rain, Called by the mists is also good
>Provisional tier: A

8.- Silas Marsh, the sailor

>Roles: Evader, support
>Stats: Awful. 1 Lore makes him unfit for warding (most important mechanic) and solo play. 3 Strength, Observation, Will and Influence make him a decent seeker, a mediocre fighter, and Will and influence are useless for him since he can’t test them reliably. 8 health 4 sanity is also abysmal since he can easily go insane with no propper planning and he’s not really a fighter. Focus limit 2 is average, focus strength and lore .
>Skill: Once per round, when a ready monster activates you designate who is their prey. If that monster engages you, recover 2 sanity.
>Starting assets: 3$
Fishing Net: During your turn (no action or test required) you can attach this item to a monster in your space. That monster is exhausted and cannot be ready. Killing that monster grants you the net back.
CHOOSE ONE Adventurous spirit: +1 to all your stats while in the encounter phase.
CHOOSE ONE Flannel Shirt: Shields for 2 health and 2 sanity. Once per turn, when another investigator in your space is resolving a test, you may inflict one damage to this item to grant them 2 successes in that test.
>Opinion: Is Silas actually good this time? Finally? No! He’s one of the worse in Eldritch, he’s bottom tier in Mansions, and he seems to sink into low again this time. Why do i think so lowly of him? First: bad stats and roles. He can’t fight despite having fighter attributes, he doesn’t get a weapon or damage, and his net only invalidates a monster, last game we had 9 by the end and 8 of them Silas was struggling to scratch. He cannot ward, he is a decent seeker and the red flannel was a sign: don’t pick it. Being in the same space is a weak mechanic, you will rarely use it, and it can only be used twice per game. Maybe it grants you 4 damage or a better warding twice, big wowie. At least with the talent your stats are actually good foe encounters, but the active part of the game, when you make stuff happen, is miserable for Silas. The only good part of his kit is how his skill makes monsters more manageable, not as much as killing them, and it’s better when only 1 or 2 monsters crowd the board, not 6, so you need a good fighter paired with him. That’s what he brings to the team.
>Recommended loadout: Adventurous spirit
>Provisional tier: Top D to bottom C

That’s all he wrote. Next time i’ll cover the re-worked investigators in Recursive Echoes. I haven’t played all of them so i won’t have it as soon as i would like. I have a life outside board games and yes, it’s miserable and i hate it, but it sure has me busy lately. I’ll have it as soon as i can.

Just warning you, I'm not concise, it's a novella.
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: $205K, 90% of which is my 401K with a mix of standard and Roth funds, the other 10% is a Roth IRA. I didn’t contribute to my 401K until I hit 30, but for the last three years I’ve been able to max out my contributions. My employer also does a 10% contribution each year. Husband has $40K in his IRA, he also did not save much till he turned 30 and but we’ve maxed out his contribution for the last three years.
Joint Equity: just over $100K, bought our house 5 years ago with a 5% down, FHA loan. We’d saved for a couple years to have $15K down payment, sold my husband’s car and minimized all our expenses to save aggressively once we hit 30. Bought our fixer upper house for $285K. With all our remodeling, we forced appreciation and refi’d a year later to drop PMI. Refi’d again this summer to pay off a HELOC and get a 2.75% interest rate.
Joint Savings account balance: $51K
Joint checking account balance: $3K
Personal checking & savings accounts: $2K
Husband’s (H) personal checking & savings: $3K
HSA: $6K
529: $2K
Mortgage: $328K
Car loans: $57K, Kelly Blue Book value of both is $75K
Student loan debt: $34K for business management undergrad degree.
Home Reno loan: $9K
Peloton: $1800
Credit card debt: 0
Net Worth: Roughly $330K
Section Two: $120K base salary with annual $18K bonus, spouse’s salary & bonus is$ 40K, rental income (rent out finished basement unit to a friend) $9K, totaling $187K
Income Progression: I've been working in my field for 10 years, my starting salary was $14/hour which was about $28K. I’ve stayed with the same company and have leveled up four times to my current role. For the first seven years I was paid under market but didn’t know this and when I realized it, didn’t have the confidence to negotiate. After working on my confidence and researching how to effectively ask for a raise, finally asked for an equity adjustment three years ago and since then have received four pay increases.
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
Gross salary is $10K month and net $6K after deductions listed below, annual bonus is paid mid-year and net is $7500 after 401K contribution and taxes.
Deductions:
Taxes: $2K
401K: $1100
Medical & dental: $200
HSA: $75
Dependent care FSA: $416
Life, accident, cancer & disability insurance premiums: $40
Nonprofit contributions: $150, this gets matched by my employer so I always contribute through my paycheck. I mostly support a local mental health nonprofit and have smaller amounts going to the Oregon Food Bank and Oregon Humane Society.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home
$100 net for rental income after expenses (1/3 of utilities & mortgage, taxes-our costs for these expenses below reflect this adjustment). We will have to raise the rent (haven’t done so in three years) soon as the IRS requires that the rent charged must be within market parameters but it doesn’t feel right with COVID as our tenant (and friend) was impacted for some months.
We also sell items online that we no longer use/need. Have generated an average $200/month the last four months of doing this. Didn’t include this in income as it’s very irregular and we’re going to run out of stuff we’re willing to part with soon.
Any Other Monthly Income Here
My spouse and I have both joint and separate accounts. His take home is $2500 after taxes, he doesn’t pay for health insurance as his employer covers 100% of premium, and he doesn’t have access to a 401K. His contribution is $1K/month to our joint checking and the rest goes to his own checking and personal savings. While I pay more into our joint accounts, $3500/month, we take turns buying groceries/dining out/other household items.
Section Three: Expenses
Mortgage, Taxes & Insurance: $1183 (this is adjusted as a 1/3 of our cost is offset by rental income).
Currently aggressively paying off student loans at $750/month, with $34K left. Husband paid off his loans last year with an inheritance. Haven’t been serious about paying off until this year.
My car: $689, I bought a new SUV last year, put 20% down. The monthly payment hurts but I also LOVE my vehicle-plenty of space for toddler, pups and us. Interest rate is 3% so this is low on our priorities list to pay off early.
His car: monthly payments are $525 and is a 1% rate so we have no plans to pay off early. This is paid from my husband’s own account and not our joint account, as are my student and car loans.
Home Reno loan: $265, this is a 0% loan, so no plans to pay off early.
Peloton: $66, this also is a 0% loan, so again, no plans to pay off early. And yes, I am one of the many that bought one due to COVID, no regrets.
No credit card debt, we pay in full each month.
Utilities-water, electrical, trash, gas and internet: averages $300/month after annualizing. This also is adjusted due to 1/3 being offset by rental income.
Cellphone: $85-this one bill is paid directly by husband from his personal checking. We switched carriers last year and just haven’t updated the payment account.
Monthly Subscriptions: $116 for book subscription for my kid and my niece ,Peloton App, Netflix, Disney+, Apple Music, Apple data storage.
Daycare: $1150, partially paid via DCFSA, the rest out of pocket.
Savings contribution: $500 to HYSA, $100 to 529 which also gets random deposits.
Retirement contribution: $6-10K/year deposited annually before cut off dates to IRAs.
Pet expenses: About $1k annually for vet visits and meds. Food and misc items are accounted for in weekly spending.
Credit card fees: $600 paid throughout the year.
Car insurance: $1800/year but paid biannually (H has tickets and an accident in the last three years-grr)
Annual subscriptions: Prime $129, YNAB $84, PlayStation Plus $70, Calm app $60
MD Questions
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it? No, I was the first in my extended family to attend college. My mother never finished high school (no GED either) and my step dad finished high school in the middle east. I moved away from my mom’s household when I was 14 to live with my grandma and while she supported me wanting to go to college, she had the mindset that I would take care of myself by finding myself a husband, as she and my mother had. I was a ward of the state at that point and received lots of grants but also needed student loans to pay for five years (I struggled my first two years as I was depressed) and took out over 45K in loans for those years.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances? No, it wasn’t discussed due to the cultural background of my stepdad. My mom didn’t have a job as my stepdad comes from a culture where women stay home. They struggled sometimes-for years I didn’t have glasses because they couldn’t afford to get them for me. But I never went hungry and while we shopped at Salvation army, it was my norm so I didn’t realize we were considered poor till pretty much middle school.
What was your first job and why did you get it? I babysat for neighbors-on top of watching my own siblings-when I was 14. When I moved to live with my grandma, my uncles-who were general contractors-would hire me and my cousins to do grunt work and so I’d make $5/hour randomly during the summer until I hit 16, and my first job that summer was working at a cannery for minimum wage which I think was $6/hr. I still cannot eat canned/frozen green beans. I got that job so I could buy myself a car, which I did by end the of the summer. Then I got a different job-pizza parlor-to pay for the gas and insurance and worked after school and on weekends.
Did you worry about money growing up? Not really. My grandma lived off social security and some assistance from the state for taking me in, so I knew money would always be tight but she was thrifty and made it work. We always had food and I had clothes-new ones from Kmart-so I felt secure. I didn’t start to actually worry about money until I was accepted into college and then I had to figure out how to pay for it.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net? When I moved away for college at 18. I never thought about moving back in with my grandma though I probably knew I could, but I saw it as a failure because so much of my extended family thought I was stuck up and “getting above myself” for going to college. We have a large savings now due to an inheritance and that is our safety net. I should probably pay off more of our debt but having the large savings makes me feel more secure and it’s worth the interest we pay to feel that security.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain. Our rental income is mostly passive. My husband received $90K in an inheritance and used a 1/3 to pay off his student loans, the rest when to savings and some purchases such as the down payment for my vehicle.
Day one
6:35 Wake up to the sounds of my toddler (T) talking to himself in his crib. I’ve slept in and he’s awake early, at least it’s Saturday. Sluggishly get out of bed and go in to get him up. He greets me with some happy babbling and a hug. Change his diaper and he signs he’s hungry so I we head to the kitchen for breakfast. I warm up some frozen aebleskivers for him (make a big batch once a month and freeze for weekend breakfasts) and add a banana to his plate and a cup of milk. For myself, I make a cup of coffee via pour over and add some chocolate protein powder, use a milk frother and drink my protein mocha. I let out our pups and put together their breakfast of meat and veggies. We raw feed our pups a mixture of different animals-primarily beef, chicken and turkey-and add veggies & organs.
8:00 Husband is awake, so I finally have a chance to shower and do my am routine of Cerave face wash, epicuren protein toner, Hanskin hyaluron essence, PerriconeMD vitamin C serum, and philosophy’s renewed hope in a jar moisturizer, wait a couple minutes and add some Aveeno facial sunblock. I head out for a quick walk by myself, usually I take T with, but it’s 45 degrees and misty this morning. I listen to Corinne Crabtree’s podcast as I walk and wonder about how I’m going to get my step goal (14K) in with the crap weather.
9:30 My best friend has shown up with her toddler and we head out for a coffee (drive thru only, with mask on) on our way to the farmers market. I get a cafe au lait and it’s on the house due to points. $2 tip. My best friend, brother and sister are part of our COVID pod and we see each other about once a week in person.
10 Pay to park downtown ($2), bundle up the kids in a wagon with blankets and head into the park blocks for some food and produce. T and I share a pork and chive pancake ($12 for two with tip) while in the middle of some grass to ensure we're adequately distanced from people. Afterwards, I go a bit nuts and buy four different types of squash ($9). Since my husband doesn’t like squash, it’ll take a while for T and I to eat-but it will be delicious and I'm already anticipating the roasted yumminess. We walk around some more and feed the kids snacks (crackers, oranges, peaches) as we catch up and chat.
11:30 Head out to the west side suburbs for some apple cider donuts (have been craving one for three weeks!) and spend a bit of time sitting outside with the kids as it warms up. I've never been to this place, and it's much busier than I expected so we people watch and eat our donuts. I buy some frozen sweet and savory pies for the freezer as well as a wooden farm puzzle for T in the store that also sells the donuts as we leave. I'll have to find a toy at home to post for free as I have a strict one in/one out policy with toys. $71
1:45 Back home and T is down for a nap that doesn’t actually happen. I semi listen to him talk to himself in his crib for an hour while I chat with my husband about the day.
3 T is up so we have a very late lunch. I warm up some butternut squash ravioli and marinara for him and I have the other pork and chive pancake from the farmers market.
4:15 My brother arrives for game night with husband and our friend/tenant. I pop open a canned cocktail of coffee and rum and put on the Hamilton soundtrack while I do some online shopping. Dance around with T (trying to get in my steps) and pick out 4 long sleeve tops and sweaters and request curbside pickup for tomorrow. I'm slowly rebuilding my wardrobe as my body has changed so much. Two years ago I was pregnant, last year I was nursing and this year I'm down a couple sizes and have literally five cool weather shirts/sweaters. Hoping this purchase will net me at least two items to keep, so I try not to feel bad about the cost when I know I'll likely return half the items. $136
6:30 Bake the chicken pot pie for everyone to eat. It’s so comforting-just what I wanted on a dreary day. I try to get T to eat some, but after 4 bites he just spits it out and laughs. I give him some leftover snacks from earlier along with milk and a fruit & veggie pouch. H feeds the pups and the guys head back down for more game night.
7:20 Put T down for bed after four books and he’s asleep within minutes, thank goodness. I tidy up from dinner, start some laundry and put away the load that got washed while I was out.
8:30 Sit down with a coconut seltzer water, check my social media, personal email and then journal a bit.
10 Realize it’s later than I typically stay up so I take my melatonin, drink water and do my pm routine after brushing my teeth: cerave face wash, toner, essence, Kiehls midnight eye cream, Origins nitamins oil, cerave pm moisturizer. Head to bed and read till I pass out.
Daily Total: $232
Day Two
5:45-A bit early but I know I won’t get back to sleep so I get up and start my coffee and mix in the protein powder. Since it’s Sunday, I meal plan for the week and update my grocery list. We cook 3-4 meals/week and we eat leftovers the other days and supplement with delivery/take out for one night a week. I buy meat and most bulk items from Costco about once every 5-6 weeks (average $200 for those runs) so for this week, only need things we’ve run out of and fruit/veggies and milk.
6:35-T is already awake, so I warm up his aebleskivers and then go in to get him up. He’s quite cheerful for another early morning but get’s cranky as soon as I set him down to eat, so I break out his tablet and let him watch some toddler shows on YT Kids. H wakes up and helps with the pups, while I get started on weekly cleaning. Luckily T loves to “help”, so he’s back to his cheerful self once I give him a rag and mini spray bottle of water to “clean”-which he promptly sprays everything with. With the three of us cleaning, only takes about an hour to get all the common areas dusted and tidied up.
9 Get my morning skincare routine in after a shower, same as the day before. Make an egg and bacon scramble and share with T. I then head out to get grocery shopping in. Start with Whole Foods and get bananas, pomegranates, salad, onion, yogurt, deli ham, eggs and milk for $35. Head over to Trader Joes and look for butternut squash mac and cheese but they are out for the season!!! ARGH. Pick up some soppressata, crackers, PB&J bars, chocolate covered frozen bananas, three different types of tea, butter and some brookies for $45. I’ve spent enough time waiting in lines, I can pick up the clothes I bought yesterday. Pull up to the store and open my trunk and they deliver my clothes.
12:30 T is asleep when I get home so I put away groceries and make myself a meat and cheese plate with some leftover balsamic brussels sprouts from earlier in the week. Really feeling the lack of caffeine so I lay down for 20 minutes, and then remember I have clothes to try on, so I get up. Alas, only two items fit well enough (and are soft and warm enough) to keep. One is a black heather tunic with a cowled neck and uber soft, I also decide to keep a flannel plaid shirt in pink.
2 H wants pizza, but only a slice, and so we decide to go out to eat and pickup some books from Powells. Bundle us all up-still only 46 out!-and head out. Make sure to grab the foot muff for the stroller. We park in the NW part of the city, $3 for parking, and head into a small but empty restaurant. I get a slice of cheese to share with T and a lime seltzer, H has an everything slice with a beer, $20 with tip and H pays. It’s sunny so we walk around for while after checking out the changes wrought over the last six months as we haven’t been back to this part of the city yet. Wait in line to get into the bookstore and it wraps around the building because it’s well spaced out and only 50 people are allowed in the store at a time. When we get inside, it’s a reprieve from the biting wind, and very hard not to touch all the books I’m interested in-but I resist (honestly, H has to keep reminding me). Pick one up for T, two for H, two for me, and a cookbook for my MIL as it’s her birthday next month. Comes out to $71 and H pays; all of the books except the gift are used which is awesome.
4:30 Back home and we settle in for some downtime. T plays with his new farm puzzle (I have to take a picture cause I’ll never remember how it goes back together) and I sanitize a toy wagon that he’s no longer interested in to post for free on FB with a porch pickup. We read some of our new books, drink some tea, and eat some brookies.
6:30 Time for leftover chicken pot pie. T actually eats some this time and drinks a whole lot of milk. Pups get fed and spend minimal time outside in their dog run due to the cold.
7:30 H does bedtime routine with T and puts him down for bed. I get a load of diaper laundry started, look at the load of clothes to fold and tell myself I’ll do it in the morning. I prep T’s snacks and lunch for the next day: yogurt for am snack, chicken and veggie pasta for lunch, and a mix of oranges, hummus & crackers for his pm snack. I prep overnight oats for the week and throw in some chia seeds, PBFit, a little cinnamon and brown sugar.
9: Journal a bit, take my melatonin and do my pm routine with a RoC retinol serum instead of the nitamins oil.
Daily Total: $174
Day Three
5:55 Wake up before my alarm goes off and I’m slightly irritated that I miss out on the last 15 minutes of sleep I could have had. I get up and start my protein coffee, put away the dishes from yesterday and then settle in to review my work calendar for the week. I usually take 15-20 minutes before T is up to figure out work schedule and see if I have any urgent emails.
6:40 T is awake so I get him up, take his temp to make sure he doesn’t have a fever (daycare protocol) change and dress him, and then warm up some overnight oats and feed him. H wakes up, and since it’s a day he has to go into his office-happens 1-2/week-he quickly feeds the pups and then packs up and head’s out.
8 Pack up T and take him into daycare. His daycare is operating under an emergency order and is able to have up to 10 kids per class (since T is a toddler, there’s less kids in his class with two teachers) but with strict rules in place. He gets his temp taken again before entering the class and I’m so damn grateful that we have the option to use daycare during COVID. Back at home, I make another cup of regular coffee, light a candle, turn on my heating pad and get to work-which is meetings, emails, reviewing financial disclosures and filings. I setup an office in an extra bedroom over the summer and keep myself closeted in there while H typically works from our dining table when he’s not in the office.
9:30 Have a break before my next call, so I warm up some overnight oats for myself and put away the laundry from last night.
11:30 Have an industry update webinar to attend, so I head out with headphones to call into the meeting and walk with a pup for 45 minutes. Back home I warm up a bit of chicken pot pie and eat it and some cucumbers with hummus.
1:30 Pack up my gear and some yogurt for a snack and also head into my office as I have some documents to get notarized. I can’t believe how many states still require wet signatures and notarized documents when they have secure online platforms to submit documents. This is the fifth or sixth time I’ve had to go in since COVID broke out so it’s not that onerous except I’m not used to it anymore. At least parking is plenty and free.
3:30 Waiting on the notary so I take a quick walk and pickup a couple gift cards from Starbucks for some of my team members. They’ll also be coming into the office next week so I leave it on their desk with a thank you note for all their hard work lately (after googling how long coronavirus can survive on paper & plastic-up to five days is what I found). $30
5:30 Get home and snuggle with T for a bit (H picked him up on his way home at 4) before getting to work on dinner. I had pulled out some frozen ground turkey last night, so I make stuffed bell peppers with the turkey, quinoa, onions and diced tomatoes. Add lots of garlic and some ginger to make it tasty as H isn’t fond of quinoa but he says likes it this time. T also eats it and we’ve got so much leftover I may have to freeze some.
7:00 It’s my turn for bedtime routine, so T gets his bath and then we read five books before he settles in to sleep. I take my shower and spend extra time actually washing my hair and doing a hair mask. Do my PM face routine and watch a movie with H while also journaling. Finally remember to prep snacks and lunch for T.
9:30 PM face routine, into bed I go and read until I pass out.
Daily Total: $30
Day Four
12:30 Wake up to T crying, which is not normal. Wait a couple minutes to see if he works it out and then go in and sooth him back to sleep. As much as I hate the disruption to my sleep, I love holding him while he sleeps and know this time is fleeting.
610 Alarm wakes me up and I feel refreshed somehow, so I pop out of bed, make my protein coffee and prep breakfast for T (oats, banana and milk again). Grab the laundry from the day before and get it folded before T wakes up. Do the usual temp routine and get him changed for the day. While he eats, I get my schedule sorted out and reply to a couple emails. H wakes up after 7 and feeds pups.
8 Drop off T at daycare and back at home with more coffee, my vanilla pumpkin candle lit, heating pad on and into my first calls of the day by 8:30.
10 Call into my next meeting from my phone, throw on my Beats, grab a pup and take a walk for 45 minutes. Once I get home, I eat some overnight oats and have some white pomegranate tea.
12:30 Eat some leftover bell pepper stuffing and then brush my teeth as I’ve a dentist appt in a couple hours.
3:30 Pay $15 for my office visit; for small dollar amounts like these, I do not pay from my HSA so this is out of pocket. The visit was a bit surreal but reassuring to see that the office is maintaining strict COVID practices. Head home and realize I need gas, stop by Costco and run my own cards before the attendant fills the tank, $45.
5:30 H picked up T and plays with him while I finish up some work. We eat leftovers that are in the fridge, so there’s the last bit of chicken pot pie, some roasted sweet potatoes and stuffed bell peppers.
7:30 It’s H’s turn to put T down so I say goodnight to him and head out for a walk by myself. Hit just over 13K steps before I call it good and head home for some tea, journaling and downtime with H.
9:30 My back begins to spasm up by my shoulder blades, this random pain started a couple months ago and comes and goes. I’ve started seeing a chiropractor for this but not sure it’s helping, thinking I’ll need to see a physical therapist soon. For now, I have H rub in some CBD camphor cream and take a CBD gummy to help me sleep.
Daily Total: $60
Day Five
5 I am awake and know that if I try to get back to sleep, it won’t happen until I actually need to get out of bed. Make my protein coffee and journal for a bit. I spend extra time working through thoughts I have around the holidays. Our house is typically the center of family & friend gatherings and I’ve been trying to figure out how I want to approach this year with a large gathering not an option. Prep T’s snacks and lunch for the day (yogurt, mandarins, butternut ravioli, peaches, graham crackers and some peanut butter pretzels, milk), prep his breakfast-last morning of oats & banana- and then go through my work calendar and emails till he wakes up. H wakes up sometime after 7 and feeds the dogs and helps with T so I can change and do my am routines.
8:15 Back home from drop off, have all the things in place and am able to get into my work.
10 Have a break in meetings, so I jump on the peloton and do an easy 20 scenic ride while I work through emails on my phone. After, I have some herbal tea and get back to my desk.
12:30 I get super irritated at a peer in another department and have to walk away from my laptop. Realize I haven’t had food so I eat more stuffed bell pepper, sans the bell pepper, which just means lots of quinoa and ground turkey. Really have to cut back how much I make of this recipe in the future.
4 Call it a day so I can be the one to pick up T. We head over to have a play date with best friend and her toddler. It’s so nice out that we manage to go on a walk around their neighborhood.
6:30 Arrive home to some yummy chimichurri steak, a salad and roasted delicata squash waiting for us. While H won’t eat squash, he’ll cook it for me if I send him the recipe. I cut up some steak into tiny pieces and give it to T and he seems to enjoy it. Give him some squash and it pretty much gets thrown to the floor for the pups to eat.
7:45 Bath and bedtime routine. Since it’s daylight savings this weekend, I’m starting to push T’s bedtime back 10-15 minutes at a time; by the time I put him in bed he’s pretty much asleep and I’m mentally drained. Decide I need a walk to sort myself out, so I head out with a pup listen to Women of Impact. Barely manage 10K steps but I’m ok with it. H has his weekly DND game night that’s virtual so he takes over the office and I don’t see him again for the night.
8:30 Settle in with sleepy time tea and a three TJ’s dark peanut butter cups. Get caught up on my transactions in YNAB, see that the Peloton loan charges came through and make sure all our expenses are accounted for through the end of the month. Take a shower, do my routine-realize I forgot to do this last night-take my melatonin and listen to a Calm app sleep story till I pass out.
Daily Total: $0
Day Six
2 Wake up and wonder why. I have struggled with insomnia and have instituted many habits to reduce it. Practice my go the fuck to sleep meditation and think I fall back asleep sometime after 3.
5:45 I wake up to sounds of T talking to himself and I wonder why me? I lay in bed and contemplate how I want to tackle his early morning waking and decide to leave him in his crib till he starts to complain. I get up and make coffee & protein, prep T’s milk, bananas, mandarins and cheerios, and then do work emails till I hear T begin to get cranky.
7:15 H is headed into his office, so I juggle getting T ready and getting pups fed and back into the house after they have time in their run. Not feeling my day so far.
11 Listening into some status updates for my area so I put away the diapers H washed last night, unload the dishwasher and change our bedding. It’s times like these that I feel especially grateful to work from home as it frees up our evenings to spend more quality time as a family. Being able to do these chores also settle my dissatisfaction with my day so far.
12 Eat some leftover steak & squash and a blackberry seltzer. Go for a quick walk by myself and listen to podcasts.
3 Call into a meeting on my phone while I do another peloton scenic ride. I haven’t really found an instructor that I love, so I’ve been making my way through all the place based rides which are pretty cool.
4 H picks up T and I continue to work till about 5:30. We head outside to the backyard to enjoy the last bit of sunshine. H cleans up the dog run (which is a big task as it’s about 700 sq ft) while I endeavor to keep T from throwing rocks. We snack on pomegranate seeds.
6 Cut up the last bit of steak and make fajitas with black beans, bell peppers and onions. Apparently beans are a hit with T and minimal amount of food gets donated to the pups via the floor. They get their meal after we eat and spend time in their run.
7 Realize we’re out of milk, so I run out to the closes grocery for milk and pick up some bananas, $5. Since I ran out to my car without a jacket, I get an overwhelming urge to have a warm drink, I stop and get a hot cocoa with some Irish cream flavor in it on the way home. $5 with tip.
8 T is down for bed, so we put on a movie in the background (a not so awful Nicholas Cage flick) while I journal, write up my MD, and H plays games on his phone.
9:30 Melatonin, pm face routine with retinol, and in bed. I try to make it through another chapter of Omnivore’s Dilemma but can’t recall where I fell asleep at.
Daily total $10
Day Seven
5:50 It’s the end of the week and I wake up excited for the weekend and get started with my protein coffee and prep T’s snacks and lunch (yogurt, PB&J sandwich cut into tiny pieces-and yes, I eat some, apple chips, cheddar bunnies and belvita pumpkin crackers, milk). When T does wake up, I give him some banana, pomegranate seeds, and a nature’s bakery bar. H wakes up and helps with T while I feed the pups and then get ready (ie am face routine and changing from pjs to my new tunic and some leggings).
8 Call into my first meeting while I drop off T at daycare. When I get home I keep the call on my phone while I eat some pumpkin yogurt and another cup of regular coffee in my kitchen. H has a late start to work today so he head’s out for dog food run, $189 for 130 pounds of raw meaty bones and organs and $18 for veggies. We keep an extra large freezer for all the dog food, which allows us to buy in bulk and minimize the raw feed costs.
12:30 Eat some roasted butternut squash-with butter, nutmeg and cinnamon with a side of soppressata and cheddar. H runs to the local hardware store to pick up some items to make a six foot candy shoot for trick or treaters. I tell him to make sure to buy disposable gloves for handling the candy. Really don’t know if we’ll get kids but if we do, H wants to have it for them. $25
1 Have some project calls to listen into, so I take the calls from my phone while running some errands. Pickup my refilled prescription for eczema, $1, return the tops that didn’t work out, -$49, and also return some toddler clothes to Target I purchased earlier in the month, -$25. Since I’m in and out of three different stores, I use disposable masks.
5 Finish up the last of my updates for a project and call it a day. It’s cold out but sunny, so we decide to go for a drive to a different neighborhood and walk around. Order a pizza from H’s fave place-1/2 everything for H, ½ BBQ chicken for me-and drink some wine in an outdoor covered patio while we wait to take the pizza home. I ply T with snacks (TJs pumpkin bar and a mandarin). H pays for the pizza, $35 with tip, and I pay for the wine and a bottle to go, $47 with tip.
7 Back home and we can finally eat. Still feeling a bit tipsy from my glass so hold off opening the bottle so I add it to the wine fridge. I don’t drink as much as I used to and I have got to stop buying wine like I drink it everyday.
8 Bath and bedtime for T. He’s so tired he falls asleep as I read the last book. It’s my night to choose a movie so I pick Hocus Pocus (third time watching it this month!), and H checks out on his phone but I pull out the froze chocolate banana slices and text my sisters as I watch the movie.
10 Stayed up late for me on a Friday night. Part of me smh at myself but a larger part of me is glad I get so much sleep. Melatonin, PM face routine and snuggle into my bed. Goodnight!
Daily Total: $241
Week Recap: $747
Food + Drink $246
Fun / Entertainment $34
Home + Health: $263
Clothes + Beauty: $62
Transport: $50
Other: $92
This was one of the most out and about weeks we’ve had since COVID started so the total dollar amount was a bit higher than average. I’m struggling now as I read through this about how much I went out among other people even though I wear a mask, sanitize my hands and do my best to not touch surfaces. With cases re-surging in Oregon, I really need to limit myself going out. On the other hand, it felt so great to have a busy week and be among others so not sure how I’m going to reconcile this.

I wrote this guide a while back, but the increase in questions of new DM's about where to start made me revisit it and bring is up to date. I believe it still has a lot of value for new DM's and I want to help them out. Feel free to comment with any remarks or additions you might have!

Although there are many, many Reddit/blog posts written on this subject, I keep seeing questions like this passing by a couple of times per day, now more than before. This doesn't surprise me to be honest. I'm still a rather new DM myself (about 6 months of experience as DM, and another 1,5 as player) and I can very well remember the struggles I went (and still am going) through starting up and honing the art that is DMing. In addition, it seems like Dungeons & Dragons is getting more and more attention through wonderful shows like Critical Role, Matt Colville's MCDM, Youtubers like Filthy Robot, the many podcasts created by enthusiasts, that are causing a steady flow of new DM's and D&D players.
As a sort of disclaimer, I'm by no means an expert on D&D. There are many DM's and players who have tons of experience and know all the ins and outs of the game for every version, though this post isn't intended as expert advice. It is just a take of a new DM on starting with D&D 5th Edition and how I worked my way through all the content. I'd hereby like to provide you with my point of view on the matter and I hope it can help you get started!
I'm also not going to elaborate on every mechanical aspect like: What is an encounter, how do you build a town or what type of players are there? These things are already explained by other people, like Matt Colville, that do this much better than I'll ever be able to do. This post is just to get you started!
Now we've got all that out of the way, buckle up, because this is going to be a long one.

You heard about this thing called D&D and want to try it out - What to do?

More often than not the answer to this question is: Get a group!
In many cases, this is the way to go. I, however, did it a bit differently. Though I care to admit that I am one of those lucky ones who has a group of friends that, at that time, I assumed could tempt into trying it out. I suggest you get to know the game a bit better first.

Getting to know this game (D&D 5th edition) can be a daunting and intimidating task. As of right now, there are already more rule and adventure books than I care to count, and more official/fan content is created every day. You don't need to read and know everything, hell I don't know half of it right now, and I assume even the experienced players don't know it all. Leave all the homebrew content for now, because it can be wildly unbalanced and that might be hard to identify with little to no experience, and focus on the official content!

I suggest you start here, in no particular order:

DM Basic rule book - downloadable on the Wizard of the Coast website. (Read the first section of Part 1, leave the character creation for now, and ready the first section of Part 2 on ability scores up to chapter 8. This sums up how the game works, details aren't necessary for now)
Watch Matt Colville's Running the game series on Youtube - Matt Collville explains how to start as a DM in a very easy and clear way. You don't have to watch all the content before your first session, though I recommend watching as much of it as possible. He'll help with building your first adventure, get acquainted with the rules and provides you with a handful of handy-dandy tools.
Actually start, because you'll learn most of it all by just doing it.

Still enthusiastic after all this? Good, you now already have enough information to invite your friends to a D&D session, so I'd suggest you do so! If you're a real reader and love diving into the content further you can pick up a copy/pdf of the Dungeon master Guide (DMG) or Player Handbook (PHB). They are both 240+ pages long, and there is plenty more where that came from. The cast of Critical Role has also started a line of videos called "Handbooker helper" in which they explain topics & rules that are in the PHB very clearly and in small chunks. If anything remains unclear after you've read it in the PHB you can always search their Handbooker Helper series, or post your questions on one of these subreddits:
/DnD
/dndnext
/DnDBehindTheScreen

Knowing the rulebooks by heart is not required at all, but it might help you during your sessions if you've read them once or twice! If you prefer just diving into the deep we can take the next step.

Your first D&D game:

You have three options here, and they are listed in order of my recommendation:

Run the adventure from Matt Colvilles - Running the Game Episode 1. It's easy, fills up about one evening of your time and doesn't require an awful lot of preparation. If after the session your friends aren't that into it, no harm done. If you like it you can continue with option 2!
Run Lost Mines of Phandelver (LMoP) - LMoP is a bit more elaborate than the 1st option. It is in the D&D 5E Starters set and comes with a small rulebook, the adventure and character sheets. The adventure includes an entire town filled with quests and organizations and goes surprisingly in-depth on what you players might do while in town. It is built for a party ranging from 3 to 5 players, though at 3 it might require a bit of adjustment to not accidentally kill your party. You can flair it a bit by adding bits and pieces if you like, but it certainly isn't necessary. I'll leave it up to you if you want to use the pre-generated characters or let your players roll characters themselves. Pregens are easier and more accessible for new players. Rolling characters yourself is more fun, immersive and makes it easier for your players to identify with their Player Characters (PC's), which invites roleplaying. It is much more work and might require you diving into the rules on how to do it and explain that to your players on a separate session/evening. I preferred this site when I first got into character building, but there are plenty of other sources (Websites and videos) out there. If you're going for the ''Let's roll characters ourselves'' option I again recommend using official content, preferably from the DMG & PHB.
Build a world & adventure yourself. - I'm not going to elaborate much on this since I highly recommend against doing so for your first adventures/DM Experience. It takes a lot of time and getting an in-depth world which doesn't feel empty is hard to make. Some people, like me for example, find worldbuilding to be fun. So for those of you out there, know that its an option. The /worldbuilding and /WorldAnvil Reddit will be a great place for feedback and inspiration!

After you made your choice about what to run the first evening you only need a few more things:

Some dice, which you can buy at your local game store or online. I suggest at least two sets, one for yourself as DM and one for the players. A set consists out of 1 four-sided dice (1d4), 1 six-sided dice (1d6), 1 eight-sided dice (1d8), 1 ten-sided dice (1d10), 1 twelve-sided dice (1d12), 1 twenty-sided dice (1d20) and 1 percentile dice.
A DM Screen - You can either improvise a screen (recommended for the first sessions) or if you want to go nuts, buy one. A DM screen isn't a must, so I'd hold on buying one until you are sure that your friends and you will continue playing. You can improvise one from the box of the D&D Starter set, or any other tabletop box you can find really. Just make sure the players can't see your secret DM Cave. There are many, many and I repeat, many options if you consider buying one. This Reddit post in the MCDM Reddit has a great variety of options, from homemade printable ones to official ones you can buy online. I prefer the 5e reincarnate version, the one you pick is entirely up to you!
Some sets of pen and paper for yourself and the players.
Printed character sheets.
Snacks!

From your bank accounts perspective, D&D is a horrible hobby to have. You can go as big as you like and sink all the money you have into it. You can buy miniatures (two Reddit posts here and here if you're interested)), paint for the miniatures, grid papers or mats to build dungeons, dungeon tiles and walls to actually build the dungeons, you can buy spell cards, monster cards, magic item cards, rulebooks, and adventures books. I could probably continue for a while here, but you get the point. However, before you buy anything, Check the internet first! A lot of content is still accessible online which, for the sake of not breaking the rules, won't be mentioned here. Just remember, Google is your best friend.
All the above, if you choose for the budget options, should cost you about $30 to $40 bucks, dice and starter set included.

What to prepare as a DM in your first session

As DM you develop your own style over time, and it's very personal. Every DM does at least something different than the rest, but can be roughly divided into three schools:

Die-Hard Preppers - You prep EVERYTHING, every possible outcome, every town and NPC and every encounter.
General preppers - You prepare the general outline of the story and towns, and improvise the details.
Rambo style, no plan, wing it. - Just go mad and build your adventure on the fly.

There is no right or wrong here, you should just see what suits your style best. I am a general prepper with a slight tendency to Rambo, you might be a Die-Hard prepper, just do it how you want to do it and what makes you feel most comfortable.

If you're going to run Matt Colville's adventure you can easily prep everything you need for that evening. The town, the dungeon. They're all not that big, but if you're going to prepare every line of dialogue you'll be having a bad time. Matt has already written the town and dungeon for you, so just memorize it a bit and keep it close to you during the session in case you need to look something up.

LMoP is a bit bigger and a bit more reading work, but you can start with reading the first couple of pages and after that, see what piques the interest of your PC's and prepare those sections of the story.

Just know, it is okay if you have to look a few things up during the session. You can use Google to check rules quickly if need be, and believe me, you'll have to look things up multiple times. It is also perfectly fine to just make a ruling on the go and consult the actual rules afterward. It is important that you keep the game running because spending a whole evening searching for rules isn't fun, so don't be afraid to just determine a ruling yourself. All you need to do is use common sense. Does the PC want to do a backflip off a table in the in? That'd probably be an acrobatics check. Does someone want to try and brew a poisonous drink from a couple of herbs? He'd presumably have to do a Nature check. It's not that hard to do once you get the hang of it, and making mistakes is alright. Just have fun!

And now you've started

Unless I've missed something you have now played your first session of D&D, which was either awesome or terrible. In case of the latter, you can always try it out a few times more. Working your way through the rules and actually making decisions on how to use them in your game on the fly, might require some time to get used to. (Heck, even I after 6 months obviously don't know half of all the rules out there, but it gets easier!) If after two or three it still isn't fun, you'll know its just not a game for you or your friends. Did you like it? Well yay! Another D&D addict added to the community.

But my game didn't go nearly as well as in all the video's online!

After watching content from Critical Role or MCDM you might feel like your game is not up to par, or crap even, compared to these shows. In some posts on Reddit people suggest you're going to ''Suck'' during your first games and you might feel like they're right. But for those of you who feel that way after your first session I, and I assume actually most of the (if not the entire) D&D community with me, still have some advice for you left:
Did you and your friends have fun? Yes? That means you were doing awesome!
Be aware that there is an actual thing called the Mercer effect, something he himself acknowledges and dislikes, where especially new first-time players compare their DM to him and think it means the DM is just straight up the worst.
I can't stress enough: THIS IS NOT TRUE AND OUTRAGEOUSLY UNFAIR.
^{(There is a wildly upvoted post & comment from Matt Mercer himself on this subject} ^here^{, be sure to check that out.})
Comparing yourself with Critical Role or MCDM is like comparing yourself to a walking mountain of muscle in the gym where you're going to exercise for your first time. They are highly skilled DM's and players that have played this game for years and years and developed their D&D muscles. In the case of Critical Role you're even dealing with professional voice actors. The players are experienced in the game as well and they know incredibly well how to put on an entertaining show.
Your game doesn't have to be like their game and to be honest, it never should.
Also, as long as you were all having fun, you absolutely didn't suck!
The core principle of D&D is all about having fun in YOUR world at YOUR table. Did you and your party have fun? Then you're doing great! Continue to have fun, and you'll see that the DMing gets easier along the way.

So what now?

From here you can go as wild as you like. Be sure to read a lot because this Reddit is full of practical information and a lot of new DM's asking the questions you might have sooner or later. There are many guides on here as well! Don't be afraid to ask and share your experiences & problems. D&D has a wonderful community that is often more than willing to help you out!

I wrote some other guides on how to make combat encounters and how to run bad guys.
Combat Encounters
How to run bad guys

If you really want to get into worldbuilding (the making of your own DnD universe and campaign) I have another guide as well:
How to get started with worldbuilding
I also made a bunch of Sigils (flags) for my own DnD campaign. You can find them here and use them as you please!

And last but not least, for those of you who might be fans of the Diablo II game, or just giant murderous cows with polearms in general:
A Hell Bovine MOOssacre, how to implement Hellbovine enemies with sound effects

I hope this post helped you get going a bit. For those more experienced players out there, if you see any mistakes or things you believe I should add, feel free to post a reply or send me a message!
Good luck with your first session and ciao for now!

--------------------------------------------------------------------
In case you wish to read more on where to get started:
The Hack and Slash blog - Guide for new Dungeon Masters ^{suggested by Redditor} ^Qualanqui
Besides this guide contains a lot more content which can help you DM & Worldbuild, be sure to skim through it after you've worked through your first adventures!

The Angry DM (RPG Advice with attitude) ^{suggested by Redditor} ^Qualanqui
A (wo)man of colorful vocabulary that clearly earns the subtitle they use. The blog addresses a wide variety of topics on how to DM (better), and is worth checking out!

On Reddit there are others who've posted really useful stuff too!
A very comprehensive guide for starters
Two other threads with a lot of helpful information in the comments, both on Reddit, here and here.

So I have never posted here and I hope I never will again. This is a story about how I got into D&D 5e, how I got my friends into it, and the long bumpy and ugly road that eventually lead to 2 dead Campaigns and a long overdue dead friendship.
Now this all began back when I was in my 2nd year of highschool, which was about 2 and a half years ago so I apologize if I can't remember how some conversations went, I should also probably mention that I am a high functioning autistic so I went to A Special School that works much differently than normal highschools. So, I was watching a lot of Tfs At The Table and I loved there D&D Games so much that I started talking to my closest friend at the time, Lets call him CJ, and how fun it sounded. And CJ said that he had been thinking of playing for a while too, and that we should play together! At the end of school hours I asked my mother if I could have a D&D Players Handbook and a week later she got me one. I brought it to school and Me and CJ started studying. We Printed out Character Sheets with the Schools copier and made our first Characters. I made a Human Wild Magic Sorcerer Named Rose Quarta and CJ made a Human Totem of the Wolf Barbarian Named Frost Gem. This is arguably where the problems began, as there were only two of us. I was the DM however I still played Rose as a DMNPC of sorts. We also had very little time to play, usually we would only get the 10-15 minuets of lunch time to play and it wasn't allot of time to do much of anything. It was Fridays that were a blessing because on Fridays we had "Fun Fridays" where after lunch you could do anything that you wanted on the computers for the rest of the day, but lucky for us we were able to convince the teachers to let us play D&D during this time. Since I only had the Players Handbook we were using the very limited monster stats at the end of the book that consisted of mostly panthers and other mildly dangerous animals. At the time we had no true main story in mind and our characters backstorys were pretty basic. I was using this time to learn as I went through the game and slowly became more and more confident in my DMing.
I did eventually get the Monster Manual and the Dungeon Masters Guide so that we could have a more proper game and it was at this point that another one my Friends, Lets call him Jewlian, asked if he could play. I said of course and started teaching him how to play as well as help make a character for him. Another thing that is worth noting is that Jewlian has a mild speech impediment that can make him difficult to understand at times and it made him very nervous to play. He may be self conscious about it, but I never did ask him. Together we made the most silliest and fun character I have ever had the pleasure of having at my table, Bob Ross the Half Elf Life Domain Cleric that worships the elf god of art and nature and is an aspiring painter. Now that we had a healer we were on our way to bigger and better things.
Or we would have been. I can't remember when I started to notice it, but I discovered that CJ was being a classic cheater. He would set his lunch box up in between him and my line of sight, he would pickup his dice before I could see the number, and he would ask if he could hold rolls for later. I was not happy and I asked him on several occasions to move his lunch box or to roll in the middle of the table, but every time he made the excuse that he "Doesn't want his Character to Die." That is the most piss poor excuse I have ever heard. Making sure your character doesn't die by fudging dice rolls is not the players job, it is the DMs job and only if they feel like you deserve it. But unfortunately the teachers heard his complaining and they made a rule that we had to follow and it unfortunately stuck around, everyone was allowed 3 rerolls per session. Another thing that was terrible about CJ was that he kept interrupting the game to say jokes out of character. Normally I'm ok with a little joking around as long as it doesn't distract to much from the game, but CJ would grind the game to a halt, force everyone to pay attention to him, and then start on a 5 to 10 minute long story that has nothing to do with what we were just doing and these kind of interruptions can happen 10 minutes apart at LEAST! So most of the time we barely got anything done.
This went on for some time until it was around 2 months before summer break. Our school was having a picnic that was being held at a park and all the staff were going and there would be food and activities and all the kids and their parents were invited. We had planed that we were going to play D&D at the picnic. Everyone had agreed and I was very excited. My parents had dropped me off and said they would come pick me up at the end of the picnic, but if I wanted to be picked up earlier that I just had to text them. I meet up with CJ and Jewlian and handed them their character sheets (They had me hold on to them because they were afraid of losing them) and we started the game. We played for about an hour, CJ story interruptions and all, when one of CJs friends showed up, lets say her name is Fawn, and then they started talking in the middle of our game and then CJ stood up and said that he was going to hang out with her and drop the entire game. The conversation went something like this:
CJ: I'm Gonna go.
Me: Wait, Why? Where are you going?
CJ: I'm going to hang out with Fawn. I'll be back later.
Me: What do you mean? We are playing a game here! We had this all planned!
CJ: It's Fine, I said I'll be back.
Me: When?
CJ: I don't know. A couple Hours?
Me: WHAT!? The picnic will be over in a couple hours!
CJ: You know not everything has to be about you Madgirl.
At this point I lost it, This guy has the nerve to say that I think this is all about me when for this entire half of the school year would not stop whining until he got his way or until the spotlight was on him! I had had enough. With tears in my eyes of both sadness and frustration I told him the Campaign was canceled as well as saying that he was a horrible friend and other things that I can't remember. CJ walked away and I gave Jewlian his character sheet as a way to remember the good times and apologized for my meltdown and how the game suddenly ended. He understood and gave me a hug goodbye as I called my dad to pick me up early. Oh but we still aren't done yet because just as I got off the phone with my Dad, who would appear but CJ's Mother! I don't remember exactly what she said but I remember that she was very insisting that I hurt CJs feelings and that I have to apologize to him. Now let me explain how awful this course of action was. Here we have a Mother of an Autistic child who has had experience in dealing with them and should, therefor, have experience in dealing with autistic children in general a bit better than most, and then you have me an Autistic child who has just barely recovered from a meltdown, who is still sniffling in between words and who was just deeply hurt by who they thought was one of their closest friends, and what do you do? You start yelling at this child that your kid deserves an apology and "You have no right to talk to my kid that way!" and other nonsense. I asked her three different times to leave me alone, but she refused to, even saying that since I asked her to leave I owed her an apology too! Finally I said to her "I don't owe anyone an apology, Especially to you. Get the fuck away from me lady!" And I walked away from her and into the parks parking lot where thankfully my parents were there. I got in the car and told them what happened, and they were very understanding.
The next month at school was awkward. I didn't have as close a friendship with anyone else there, so I was not having the best time. On the last day of school I decided to apologize to CJ even though I still felt like he didn't deserve it and we made up, but I learned that he would be leaving my school and would be going to his home school, But we still had each others phone numbers and we agreed to stay in contact. It was the worst mistake I ever made.
Sometime later (I can't remember how long) CJ had asked me to join a D&D campaign that he was running. I said yes and made a new character and went to his house. Once I got there, there was another one of my friends there, lets call him Avery. The session was fine, except for the fact that the story was almost the exact same as MY campaign! We would have been fighting the same monsters, for the same people if I didn't give him an alternative monster stat block, and he decided to keep his character, but change his race to aasimar but of course he would only increase his existing stats and not correct them because he was a human before. And what is his grand reasoning for this? Because the BBEG has time powers and reset time, but now there are small differences. So this is the same campaign, but "Different." I remember that I did become DM of that campaign too though, because CJ's Mother did not like us playing D&D at her house, so we started playing D&D at my house and I guess I became the DM by default. I got Jewlian in the group early enough to help him catch up. This campaign actually went ok. Everyone had a good time and I was able to take what I was given and mold it into something I was happy with. We had some good laughs and we even made a funny inside joke (Though CJ kept repeating the joke and made it not funny almost immediately) There was still the problems of CJ stopping the game and his cheating, but once I got a Dice tray and made a rule that all roles have to be made within it, the cheating was significantly decreased. Sadly this campaign ended on a sour note, where I was having a meltdown because Jewlian didn't understand the special combat encounter I had made. It wasn't Jewlians fault I had a meltdown, I just get overwhelmed sometimes. I was planing another session sometime next week when 2020 rolled around and shat an everyones plans. So that game was also dead.
Finally we get to the big one. The one that changed everything. One day CJ called me and told me that he was running a D&D game on discord that included some of his friends from his home school. I was like "Ok, I'm a Highschool Graduate with nothing to do but watch Youtube all day, why not?" I made a Character and I joined his discord server. They had already had one session so I had to be caught up. Over my entire time being in that server I became friends with two of the three other players, Annie who played a dwarf cleric and Chris who played a Half Elf Fighter were the ones I befriended. There was also Brody who played two characters, One a Half Elf and one a Tabaxi, both of them being rangers. There were several problems with the game that became apparent almost immediately. One, The rolls that CJ called out were almost always nat twenties or nat ones. This killed any kind of suspense that the story could have had. He made nat twenties not special and that is hard to do. Second, He made a self insert npc "Marty Sue" and of course his character gets to have a harem. And last but certainly not least is the horrible story pacing and obvious copying of Destiny 2 in the second half of the campaign to obnoxious levels. Just to be clear, we were told this was going to be a final fantasy based campaign and then half way through we switched to Destiny 2 for no reason other that CJ is obsessed with it! And as an example on the horrid pacing, let me tell you the exact point it became about Destiny 2. ;Trigger warning for attempted suicide; My Character, Her name was Lilith, was going through some rough times and was struggling to figure out what her purpose was after she got her life long goal of revenge settled 6 months prior. Feeling she had nothing left to achieve she woke up before everyone else in the group, wrote a letter and set it down in a place where everyone could see it then went to her favorite spot in the city, the bridge at sunrise to commit suicide. Thankfully everyone woke up, saw the letter and went to the bridge to talk her down. It was a very emotional and tense situation. And while Lilith has on her knees in tears (Happy ones now) and the Group had a big group hug, a strange man suddenly appears from a portal and saying "It's here!" and then another portal opens and a giant worm god appears out of it, (We later found out it was "Xol") We all had to roll for initiative (It was very Clear that this was an Impossible Fight to win) The Worm Immobilizes Lilith and Brody's characters because we didn't make a ridiculously high saving throw so we couldn't do anything at all during the entire "Fight", CJ's Npc "Heroically" jumps in front of two attacks to save Annie's and Chris's Character, but Chris and CJ's characters are separated from the group, So We are all captured except for CJ and Chris's Characters.
What. The. Fuck.
That completely ruined ANY emotional weight that the previous scene had! That whole thing could have worked if the pacing was better and the fight was less obvious that it was impossible.
I had a phone call with CJ and I tried talking to him about the "Worm Scene" and how it just wasn't handled right the conversation went something like this:
CJ: So how did you like the session?
Me: It was ok. I loved that I got my scene done, but why did it have to be interrupted by that Worm thing?
CJ: Oh Yeah! That was cool right?
Me: Well, Yes, But it just felt a bit to sudden.
CJ: Well, that's how it was supposed to be
Me: I just felt like it killed the mood, like it could have been handled better?
CJ: You didn't like it?
Me: Not with the way it was set up, It could have been better if you waited a couple in game days
CJ: Well we were short on time and I wanted to get the segment in
Me: Then why couldn't you have waited until the next session?
CJ: I don't like your attitude, you know this is My D&D game, not yours!-
Me: I never said it was! I'm just trying to give you advice and constructive criticism!
CJ: -very rude right now. I never made fun of your D&D game.
At this point I just hung up the phone. I was tearing up in anger at how different he suddenly became when I started to talk about different things he could have done. It was at that point I got a text from CJ. "Ok your out of the campaign" and I was banned from the discord server.
Now I was in tears. Full Blown meltdown mode. Crying so hard that I started to vomit. My parents were not home so that made things even worse. I did send Friend requests to Everyone on the Server so I could still personal message everyone on the server through discord. I sent a message to Chris and Annie and told them I was banned. Chris sent me a message back and said that CJ was giving me a second chance if I "Earn it." With his help I was able to calm down and he convinced me to (Stupidly) apologize to him. Chris also told me that CJ frustrates him too and that if during a session I need to vent or if he needs to vent, we can PM each other.
Now some of you may be wondering, " WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO THIS ASS YOU DUMB BUTT!" well, I am not sociable in any way. I have no idea where to find other fellow D&D nerds who are looking for another player and here was a group that already had one of my friends in it, even though I know he has been bad in the past it's the familiarity of the person that made me feel comfortable, and trying something new can be scary. So I stayed with the less than Mediocre comfort zone that could explode at any second.
The makeup process of this was not that exciting. CJ said no at first but eventually let me come back in, on one condition, Lilith had to die. I was able to convince him to have her come back as a ghost though, so I was still in the game.
Except now, He had an advantage. Every time I stepped to out of line for his liking he loomed over me with the threat of banning me from the game. Every word I said both in and out of character, every action, every dice roll, had to be to his standards. Everyone in the group could feel this now too, so they never once tried to speak up when he went against the D&D rules for his benefit, except for me of course.
I should mention that on Friday, CJ had us all go on discord to tell us that just came back from the doctors and that he has a very high blood sugar. This is important to the story.
This all came to a head on a lovely Saturday morning. We were supposed to have a D&D session that day at 10:30 AM, But when the time came, CJ didn't show up. We waited for over an hour, I tried calling him three times, but he never showed up and at that point we just assumed that he wasn't coming and we all did our own thing. It was then at 12:00 Noon that I got a returning phone call from CJ who said that he was asleep. I was annoyed as hell, and I couldn't keep it in no matter how hard I tried. He moved our conversation to Discord and tried to tell everyone to get on discord as well. This is how that conversation went:
Me: They're not coming CJ.
CJ: What do you mean?
Me: Everyone is probably doing their own thing by now, you might as well reschedule.
CJ: Why do you have to be so negative, Madgirl?
Me: Because. Besides this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't slept in.
CJ: Well, I have a medical condition.
Me: What?
CJ: Yeah, I have high blood sugar. I told you yesterday.
That excuse is Bullshit. Pure bullshit. Yes, having High blood sugar can make you tired. Does that mean it is ok to be late for your own plans that you made? NO! Of COURSE it doesn't! And the Fucking Cherry on top of this shit cake is that He thinks that this excuse will work on me, Someone who is borderline Diabetic and who's Mother has Type 2 Diabetes. Oh yeah, And I got up on time.
Me: That's not an excuse CJ
CJ: What?
Me: That's not an excuse!
CJ: I was just really tired this morning-
Me: Alright I'm gonna go
I left the call and about ten minuets later I was texted by CJ that I was banned From the server again because I "Was Treating him like crap and didn't care about his health" In actuality, I do care about peoples health as long as they are not used as excuses to ignore their own responsibilities. I later learned from others in the group that CJ has blocked my number and has been saying how "Mean I was to him" and that " Your all safe now"
So even though this whole thing was about documenting all the bad stuff that happened, there was a lot of fun and happy moments that I got out of this whole experience, mainly in the second campaign. I will always remember Bob Ross's Afro that lead to a different dimension, I will always remember that one old lady that kept following us and spying on us through windows or trees, and I will always remember our inside joke (Though it became less funny because CJ kept repeating it over and over) "Your walking down a wooden path." And while the good memories might not outweigh the bad in this case, I was glad I played those games, Because now I know how you are supposed to treat your players. With respect.
And to anyone out there who is looking for an extra D&D player, I'm available.
Thanks for Reading.

Update:
First, thank you everyone for the supportive comments and upvotes! This was my first post EVER, so if the formatting is bad or I misspelled a Name (Jewlian) Or left out to much detail, I'm sorry! Thanks to all of your support I managed to find two groups that I am going to play with and one of them is going to start next Monday.
Another thing that happened since I posted this was Chris contacted me and told me about how he doesn't like being in CJs group anymore and how he wants to focus more on school and asked me for a second opinion on if he should stay with the group or not. I told him if the group is one you are not having fun playing with and it doesn't align with your schedule then you should leave and find a group who does. He thanked me, left CJs group and I haven't heard from him since. If your reading this Chris, stay safe out there.
Now for something more interesting. This happened only one hour ago and is the whole reason for this update in the first place. I was watching youtube and waiting for a chance to talk to my new DM, when I got a text from an unknown number.
Unknown: Hey Madgirl I wanted to know if I could talk to you after 2:00 pm today is that ok
Now I thought that this was probably a distant relatives number that I haven't put into my phone yet so I respond accordingly
Me: I'm sorry, but who are you?
Unknown: It's me CJ
Now it is important to note that the reason why CJs number came up as unknown was because after the whole incident I erased his number from my contacts. I didn't block him, only erased him. As soon as I saw it was him my stomach dropped and my brain went on overdrive. All I could feel was a sense of dread, yet my brain kept supplying me with smug bullshit like "Look who's finally crawling back!" The best part was I knew why he was calling to. The only reason why he would call me is if he was so low on players in his game and desperate enough (Or stupid enough) to call me and invite me to play. Someone that he hates with a passion but thinks he can still try to manipulate to get what he wants. I was VERY interested to see how this went, so I humored him and said yes.
2:00 rolls around and there's no phone call in typical CJ fashion. This time though he had a somewhat buyable excuse as he works and his mom picks him up. So the call happens at around 2:45 pm. This is the basic conversation.
Me: Hello?
CJ: Hey
Me: Hey
CJ: You doing good?
Me: Yeah, I've been Great. How bout you?
CJ: I'm Good
Me: So why did you call?
CJ: So, I have discussed it with the group and we all agreed that you can come back (at that I audible laughed) and you can have a second chance.
(At this point I've noticed a pattern that whenever CJ makes a decision that impacts my fate on if I can stay in his games or not that they are always "Group decisions" almost as if I refuse to come back I'll be letting the whole group down. I severely doubt any of the group was involved in any of CJs decisions)
Me: You know that it's never going to be the same CJ
CJ: I know
Me: And I mean you must have know what my answer was gonna be before you called
CJ: Huh?
Me: No
CJ: Your not going back?
Me: No. And I don't really want to continue being your friend after all this but, if you apologize I'll be willing to look past it and when we hang up this phone we can move on and go about our lives.
CJ: Wait. You want ME to apologize?
Me: Yes. CJ, You treated me like garbage! Less than Garbage! At this point I don't even want to be your friend anymore. (After the multiple incidents he wasn't my friend and still isn't )
CJ: Wait. I don't understand. I didn't do anything wrong.
(Classics victim blaming and Blame deflection.)
Me: Oh boy, here we go. Alright then, explain how you didn't do anything.
CJ: I was just tired that day and and I wasn't feeling good and you kept trying to wake me up-
Me: What about the other times.
CJ: Huh?
Me: Back in my games. The cheating. The constant lying.
CJ: I said I was sorry!
(He didn't. Not once in the 2 and a half years that I have known him has he said he was sorry, but to ensure this argument might actually go somewhere I didn't focus on that)
Me: Ok, But you didn't stop.
CJ: I....
Me: Not Once did you stop! You never stopped! Not until That campaigns final breath did you stop once!
CJ: (Dead silence)
(If he is losing an argument or has no retort he will go completely silent)
Me: And in your game! The constant disregard of your players feelings! If I spoke up about a scene that made me uncomfortable, you would completely ignore me! You HURT me!
CJ: (Silence)
Me: But that's ok. I knew you weren't going to apologize, cause in your mind you did nothing wrong, right? You are perfect and everyone else is bad, right?
CJ: Uh-
Me: So you tell everyone else in the group that I'm not coming back and to have fun and when this call is over I want you to move on with your life like I have and not speak to me again, Ok?
CJ: Ok...
Me: Alright, Goodbye.
CJ: Bye
That was the last call I ever had with him and I hope to god it's the last as I still didn't block his number just in case that maybe when he grows up (Even though he is a legal adult by now) He might see the error in his ways and I'll finally get that well deserved apology.
I severely doubt it.

OK, just discovered this sub and have been delighted by all the stories of misanthropic idiocy. I've been playing RPGs since a wee, stupid tot in the '80s and have a large collection of stupidity that I figured I would share. (Un)fortunately, I've never had to deal with any epic horror stories ala Craig, etc. So this is more of a collection of short vignettes that hopefully you can get some amusement out of.
Sadly, I haven't had any particularly bad experiences in a few decades due to my ever decreasing tolerance for BS, so I tend to be picky about the people I hang out with and avoid RPG horror stories before they start now. Fewer headaches but also fewer good stories. So most of these date back to when I was in my early teens. It is not a coincidence that I am one of the villains in most of the earlier tales.
As is typical, the stories from my junior high years are a cringe-fest of awful, as is befitting a time when most people hit peak stupid. We were the typical pack of murder hobos playing 2e D&D and later Palladium games, mostly TMNT. Our gaming sessions were basically a giant morass of bending the rules to make invincible characters that just ran amok in lackluster campaigns that inevitably descended into chaos and ending in 1-2 sessions. Then we would go back to staying up all night making fun of bad movies, making even worse "kung fu" movies with a camcorder and generally making all of our parents seriously rethink their life choices. Picking out horror stories out of this is sort of like trying to locate the ugliest turds in a cesspit but here's what I remember as being the stand outs:
Tale 1: My Cousin Vinny and the crying DM
A bunch of us attended Dragonflight, a small Seattle RPG con. I think we were 12-14 years old at the time and just the worst. Our parents signed wavers to let us stay in the overnight accommodation in the dorms of the community college the con was being hosted at. This was the first time most of us had stayed anywhere without parental supervision and it basically turned us into the worst tweens you can imagine.
One of us (J) had a cousin vising from New Jersey. We called (and I'll call) him Vinny since he acted like a stereotypical parody of Joe Peschi's character in the movie My Cousin Vinny. Essentially, he constantly tried to be a tough guy and bully everyone, threaten to beat us up and swear a lot but since he was this tiny wisp of a kid, it just made us laugh at him which just made him angrier and more unintentionally funny as time went along. Vinny was somehow even more annoying than yours truly and company. J's parents forced him to take Vinny to the con with us (probably so they didn't have to deal with him) and we all resented Vinny because of this and picked on him like a pack of hyenas murdering a wounded wilderbeast. In retrospect, I feel a little bad for Vinny but not that bad because, man, that kid was fucking annoying.
Fast forward to the game. This is the late 80s so the entirety of the convention is basically 90% composed of old school Trekkies and little annoying shits like us. (This is long before RPGs had hit any sort of lasting mainstream appeal and were basically only played by children and fringe groups) A bunch of us decided to play in a game that advertised itself as a fun comedy game, asking us to "bring our own senses of humor". The latter may go down as one of the worst decisions in human history.
Our DM was a kindly, matronly woman in her 50s. She was the sort of person that probably has a house filled with dragon and fairy figures made by the Franklin mint that she bought off the TV. Her scenario was honestly pretty bad - full of terrible low-grade pun humor that indicated she was probably a huge fan of Piers Anthony's Xanth novels. Still, this poor woman did not deserve any of what happened next.
The adventure started with all of us standing in a field and being immediately attacked by some goblins. It was instant chaos. All of us started doing 'wild, zany random' stuff that was incredibly hilarious to us. Mostly this involved attacking each other and completely ignoring the goblins and other players. E.g.: my barbarian and J's character started fighting each other, wielding a wolf pelt and loaf of french bread, respectively. Vinny decided to try and start bossing us all around and started screaming out orders to us. We responded by focusing all our ire on him. One friend cast stone to mud or something to turn most of the field into a giant mud pit centered on Vinny, swallowing at least half of the players. We all started casting various spells or throwing crap at Vinny's character to try and drown him in the mud. (The goblins were just standing there, dumbfounded at what was going on)
The poor DM was utterly bewildered by all this. At first, she tried to humor us and played along with our actions, her facial expression becoming more and more similar to the 'hide the pain Harold' meme as the extent of the disaster started to unfold. Then she attempted in vain to try and get some sort of rational reason for why we were doing all this and to get back on track. Her halfhearted attempts at putting her foot down were utterly ineffectual, like a substitute teacher completely losing control of a classroom as it erupts into open mutiny. She was completely at wit's end, waving her arms around, with a completely panicked expression. At that point, my character used his fish hooks, throwing them into Vinny's back and then yanking on them as hard as he could. The DM turned to me, her face lit up with sudden hope that at least one of the protohuman monsters that had hijacked her game was actually trying to play the adventure.
She brightly said, "OH! Are you trying to help pull him out of the mud?"
Me, " Oh! Oh, no! I'm just trying to hurt him."
The sudden look of crestfallen despair on her face still makes me chuckle 30 years later. In my defense, I'm a horrible human being.
During all this, the other, older players did their best to try and stop us. Some attacked us but we simply ignored them, taking the damage and continuing to run amok. My friends and I made up at least 2/3 of the players, so they couldn't stop us. Vinny's character eventually got petrified somehow and started slowly sinking into the mud while RL Vinnie had basically turned into a whirling dervish of obscenity and New Jersey accent. At this point, most of the other players started packing up their stuff and leaving in disgust.
We never got past the 3rd round of combat.
The DM fled the room in tears.
We thought this was completely hilarious.
Lessons learned from this:

Under no circumstances run a game open to all players with the admonition to "Bring your own sense of humor".
Tween players must be handled with an iron fist.
All children ages 12-14 should be confined to a desert island. Surrounded by a minefield and sharks.

Tale 2: Synnibarr, need I say more?
For the uninitiated, Synnibarr is an infamous RPG, possibly being the worst RPG ever made. (Leaving aside edgy rape simulators like F.A.T.A.L.) The true extent of how bad Synnibarr is goes beyond the scope of this post but it's fair to describe it as a fractal trainwreck. Every part of it, no matter how small is just completely broken and ridiculous. It's honestly one of the funnier things I have ever read. I have a copy of the rulebook sitting next to me now and it brings a smile to my face - not as the creator intended, but a smile nonetheless. If any RPG system can be thought of as The Room of RPGs, this is it. Just like The Room, there are objectively worse things out there but they are all so bad or boring that they're not fun. Synnibarr, just like its edgelord name, sits in that perfect Goldilocks zone of 'so earnestly bad it's good'. As an aside, a friend of mine actually ended up meeting the author of the game Raven c.s. McCracken (yes, that is his actual name) in RL a few years back. He was basically acted like a renfair version of Tommy Wisseau and eventually got kicked out of the lightsaber group for being antagonistic toward transgendered members.
Anyhow, this story actually happened at the same con as the previous story, roughly 30 years ago. Sadly, I was not present for this session and only heard about it second hand.
My friends G and A (who will appear in other tales as the GM) both signed up for this game. If I recall, this was the big release of the 2nd or 3rd edition of the game and there were huge, full-color posters of the cover art hung all over the convention. This was a back in a time when high quality color printing was crazy expensive. Also, it's not visible in the screenshot but the cover illustration is technically really well done. (stupid but really well painted stupidity) The point being that Raven and company were incredibly proud of this trainwreck of an RPG and sunk significant money and/or effort into it, which makes the rest of this story even more shadenfreudetastic.
I have no memory of the actual adventure my friends played in but I do remember the details of the character creation. So, in Synnibarr, pretty much all aspects of character creation are completely random, determined by dice rolls. Now, the characters that my friends got don't really track with what's in my copy of the rules but since this was an official game run by the game designers, it's fair to call the results cannon to the spirit of the game.
A ends up rolling up a tall, fat, redheaded Chinese man. And yes, that's the character he had to play. And yes, the GM thought that was perfectly reasonable.
But no, that was not the ridiculous part.
G rolled up the daughter of the death god. Through random dice rolls.
His character had purple hair and purple eyes. She could not be permanently killed, automatically reforming with full HP 24 hours later in case of death.
Oh, and she had a pair of nunchucks. That fired nuclear missiles out of the handles. That did 1d6 x 1,000,000 points of damage per hit.
This was not G's attempt to be a munchkin player but instead the result of actual random rolls.
I'll give you a second to take that all in. I know it's a lot to process.
Oh, and for context, there isn't actually magic. It's AlL aCtUaLlY AdVaNcEd tEcHnOlOgY. And the fantasy setting is actually on a giant spaceship.
One of these days, I'm going to run a Synnibarr adventure and record it and post the link here so you can all bask in its glory.
Lessons learned:

Synnibarr is the best RPG ever made.

Tale 3: The sore loser (The loser is me, I am the sore loser)
The same friend, A, DMed for us for many years. In retrospect, this must have been one of the most thankless tasks imaginable. As we started to get older (maybe 13 or 14), A clearly wanted to DM stuff a little more ambitious than the hank and slash nonsense we were used to. Unfortunately, the rest of us were a bit behind the curve on that and had to be dragged kicking and screaming into this.
A's general approach was homebrew settings which were actually all pretty neat. They were, however, really brutal in their lack of resources. We were basically constantly half dead and broke as hell since A didn't hold our hands and we played like idiots. For a good year plus, we went on a streak of raiding and destroying the temples of Drumena - an evil Kuo-toa god. We didn't do this because we were noble crusaders but rather because we were always too broke to afford healing potions and so we raided those temples to get more. And then got beat up again, starting the cycle over.
Eventually, A decided that we had basically wiped this religion out of existence and had some sort of plot where we ended up going back in time, killing Drumena cult members in the distant past.
Through all of this, I played a two-sword wielding fighter named Amon. There isn't anything else to add since that description literally encapsulates every aspect of his being and backstory. He was just a painfully generic murder hobo that pretty much never spoke and just stabbed stuff.
I naturally thought he was the coolest character ever. I drew all sorts of terrible art of him with his two badass swords (+1) and wouldn't shut up about how awesome he was.
Well, during this stint in the past, Amon came to his end in some completely forgettable fight. I completely lost my shit at this. A was firm that rules were rules and that I had died and that there was no reason that a PC had to have an epic death scene. Sometimes that's just how life goes. A was pretty invested in a gritty, more realistic storytelling style. In contrast, I felt that my tabula rasa murder hobo had deserved an ending no less than epic than the entire Silmarillon and that anything less was a personal affront to decency.
So I made a new character that was an exact copy of Amon. And then immediately attacked the party.
Keep in mind that the party had absolutely nothing to do with Amon's death. They were all in the same fight and nearly died themselves. Also, my new character wasn't some sort of enemy or spy or 5th columnist. No, he just showed up and attacked the party for absolutely no reason except for me being a sore loser and feeling that if my character was dead, the other players' characters should be as well.
In the end, no one died and everyone managed to talk me down but I was sulky and even more annoying to play with for months afterwards.
Lessons learned:

I have no idea why my friends put up with tween me.

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